Thursday, October 19, 2006

Thirteen Reasons Why Being a Mom Is Like a Smoker who Rides a Bike



Thursday thirteen's? What the F? Well ask any serious blogger what that means and they know. It's Thursday, and you make a list of thirteen things (DUH). Whatever topic you want really. Thirteen. No more. No less. And well, being the oh so serious blogger that I am, I've decided to give it a whirl. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

**IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER....and definitely not always referring to myself**

1. Power Lungs:
Riding a bike and smoking requires amazing lung capacity. I've witnessed this act of aerobic lunacy with my own eyes. It pales in comparison to the lungs an enervated mother needs to sing "Old McDonald Had a Farm" for the five millionth time that day.

2. Boldness:
Riding a bike and smoking requires the rider to look beyond the stupefied eyes that stare at the sheer idiocy of events being performed on two wheels. This pales in comparison to the mother who dances foolishly around grocery carts to avoid "the moment of no turning back" much to the annoyance of hurried shoppers. The mother who sings made up songs on street corners as highschool children point and laugh. The mother who wrestles their children publicly just to put on a shoe.

3. Multi-tasking:
Riding a bike and smoking requires...Well...Basically doing two things at once. Although I have observed these said smoking wonders on wheels riding with both hands on the handle, and smoke dangling out of mouth....Simply breathtaking. It still pales in comparison to the mother who can clean and entire room with her toes clenching open and closed because company is coming over that night, and baby has chosen that particular day as the day they need to be held....By mom only...The entire day.

4. Appearance:
Foolishly, the individual riding a bike and smoking is the only person who thinks they look cool. More importantly, this person cares not if anyone thinks they look cool. A sort of "fuck society" if you will. This pales in comparison to the lactating mother walking boldly down the street with two perfectly circular wet marks on her shirt where her breasts are. Pales in comparison to the mother who has been reduced to chapstick being the most make-up she will ever put on for years. Pales in comparison to the mother who's only shopping excitement is getting a new pair of yoga pants to replace the ones she wore when she was 8 months pregnant. Not to mention the fact that their sleeve has become a snot rag, for their child and all of their child's friends.....difference...These mothers don't think they look cool...Looking cool takes too long....Similarity, a sort of "fuck society" if you will attitude about their appearance. I'm a stay at home mom, and the only person I need to impress today is this child who could give two craps about how I look right now....That is until the husband comes home.

5. Selfishness:
Riding a bike and smoking is pure selfishness. Check the outside of any bar...Smokers group....They huddle....They stink up the air in one location. The riding smoker distributes the cigarette smoke evenly throughout the entire neighbourhood, although never actually done myself, I don't know how much ground you can cover in the duration of an entire smoke. I've walked behind a biking smoker though...nuf said. Pales in comparison to the mother who's child has made a "stinky" and won't/can't change it because....well...They just don't feel like it.

6. Need For Speed:
Riding a bike and smoking must be a thrill ride. Traveling at their speed of choice, all the while inhaling that sweet nicotine. Pales in comparison to the ex-smoker mom avec jogging stroller who runs the dog, baby and herself all the while singing Dora the Explorer for 6 kilometers. Stopping only to pick up dog shit. Sweet.

7. Solidarity:
The smoking cyclist rides alone....though they may beg to differ that this is all part of the "cool factor". The stay at home mom, even if she has other mommy friends, spends a lot of time talking to a child, and when the child is asleep...Alone. Though time spent not smoking, mother indulges in laundry, dishes, sweeping...Oh and blogging....way cooler than smoking and riding a bike...I guess.

8. Branding:
The bicycling smoker finds it imperative to have not only the trashiest (which is cool...Just look at K-Fed) bike to ride, clothes to wear and the strongest cigarettes to smoke for full effect. Cigarettes must be displayed on sleeve. Once again pales in comparison the fashionable mother who walks her child in only the coolest brand name stroller, all name brand clothing, and keeps those silly tags on her diaper bag....She pales in comparison to the mother who has a steal of a stroller found on e-bay, wearing all clothing found in Value Village (score), goes to the library to get books, and carries the Value Village bag around to pick up dog shit with.

9. Fearlessness:
The helmetless, smoking cyclist has no fear as he cruises cool handedly through stop signs. No comparison to the mother who boldly walks from street corner to street corner expecting everyone to stop for her and her infant passenger.

10. Honesty:
The smoking cyclist is clearly not afraid to let everyone know, "Hey, I ride a bike and I smoke....eff you". Can't hold a candle to, "Hey, my son is teething right now. I had friends over on the weekend and stayed up far too late for the 5:45 wake up call. I'll look like this if I goddamn want to...eff you".

11. Nature Lover:
The smoking cyclist is making a statement while tooting around on their bicycle. I love the outdoors...I'd rather ride a bike and smoke than sit on my couch and watch Who Wants to be a Millionaire and smoke. Similar to mom who'd rather spend all her time away from home than look at the mess she will have to attend to later. Library = mess somewhere else. Play Group = Mess somewhere else. Stroller walk = No mess....Ahhh.

12. Heart Attack Waiting to Happen
The smoking cyclist...well...It goes without saying..They are quite literally a heart attack waiting to happen. While a new mom practically has a heart attack over everything that "happens"....to baby.

13. Talent:
Riding a bike and smoking is an exercise of extremes. Quite frankly, so is being a mom.

7 comments:

amy said...

Interesting blog. You have some cool pics

Chelle Y. said...

Being a mom is tougher than being the president of a country! :)

And, I could not even ride my bike holding on to the handle bars, let alone, has a cigarette in my hand.

slackermommy said...

Too funny! So glad someone's husband makes them smile because lately my hubby just pisses me off. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Laural said...

HILARIOUS!
Where did you come up with Smoking and Riding a bike? I'm killing myself laughing over here.
Oh - and thanks for the comment on my blog. Yep. Whenever you decide to put your child in daycare and go to work - send me an e-mail!

Carmen said...

being a mom is a hard job, which is why I haven't applied ;)

Haley-O said...

Awesome list!!! I totally relate. It's amazing how we manage to do so much.... Love the puffy diapy pic. Sooo cute!! ;)

Brony said...

LOL!!!
You sure summed up what it is like to be a mom.
Happy TT!